So, I Married a Deaf Man: Check please.

16 was the age.

A rite of passage. Driving? That was cool but not what I had been waiting for for my whole life.

What had I, along with most other 16 year old girls, been waiting for our whole lives?

Dating.

Having someone like you enough to ask you to spend the evening with them. Someone who liked you enough to buy you dinner, or take you out to a movie, or bowling, or whatever. That's how you make a girl  feel special.

And feel special I did.

Now, we all know how important it is to continue dating after marriage. It gives you time to remember that, "Hey! You clean up nice" and "Wow! So this is what adult conversations are like." and "Hey! I do like you!" Yeah, dating after marriage...but mostly after children...is important.

That's why Hubs and I go out almost every Friday night.

What I can't understand is why, when we go out to a restaurant, I get stuck with the bill.

Every time.

It's not because Hubs isn't willing. He likes me enough to father 5 children... he better like me enough to buy me dinner. It's not because I have more money than him....we share the same bank account. If he's broke, I'm broke.

The reason why I always get stuck with the bill is because the waiter always hands me the check.

Always.

I ask: is this normal? No, really. I want to know from you women who are married?? Is the check normally given to the woman? I mean, it has been a while since I've dated a hearing man. But when I did, the check was always either handed to the guy or put in the center of the table.

Are they assuming that just because Hubs is Deaf, he is unable to pay the check? Do they assume that I am paying because I am voicing the orders and the 'thank you's'  and all that?

It would be interesting to see what would happen if I just didn't talk. Would they assume Hubs was paying?  Would they place it in the middle or the table and let us arm wrestle over whose card gets to be used?  Would the dinner be free, as neither of us are talking?

That sounds like an interesting study of human behavior.

But for now, it seems,  he who speaks....

...pays.

So, I Married a Deaf Man: Wrong Translation!!

Most days being married to someone who doesn't speak English is not a problem. In fact, I don't usually notice. 

However, this is not always true. Case in point:

A few nights ago, our son Camden, was standing close to the fireplace and leaned into the metal covering. It was hot. As he has skin that covers his arm (weirdo), it was burned.

It wasn't a "rush-him-to-the-ER" type burn, but it had blistered and popped immediately , taking off a layer of skin. It hurt him pretty bad and was red and swollen, but it was something that we could deal with at home.

Well, as I looked through our medicine cabinet, I saw that we were missing some of the things that we needed to care for the burn.

So Hubs willingly went to store to buy the list of things I texted him:

Ointment and Dressing.

I stayed to finish watching the movie to take care of the burned, crying child.

About 20 minutes later, Hubs returned with the needed items....or so I thought.

When I asked for dressing I meant this:

When he heard dressing, he thought I meant this:

Yes....

He....

Did....

So I Married a Deaf Man: He's a good guy

My husband is deaf. Duh, right. He has been since he was 2 years old.

He is a God loving man, one who strives daily to live a Christlike life. He doesn't kill people, as far as I know. He doesn't steal.. He shows charity to those around him. He sets a good example for his children. He is a good husband. He attends his church meetings every week. He walks the walk and talks the talk...er...signs the signs? ...whatever.

So you can imagine how I felt when my mother-in-law told me that some woman at her church informed her that her son, my Hubs, would get his hearing back when he accepted Christ.

Excuse me? What was that?

If that was the case, then he would have been able to hear a long time ago. Long before he met me. And yet, he is still deaf. Imagine that.

Look, I know that God can do anything. He can move mountains. He can part the waters. He can calm the storms. And yes, he can even make the deaf hear. If that is his will, that can happen.

But what if Hubs being deaf IS God's will? What if there are children of God that can only be reached by Deaf Hubs? God could have stopped him from losing his hearing. But he didn't. And it is amazing to watch God work through my Deaf husband in a way that no hearing man could.

It reminds me a little of this story found in John 9:1-3:

"And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth.

"And his disciples asked him, saying, 'Master, who did sin, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?'

"Jesus answered, 'Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him."

So, yes, Hubs is Deaf. Not because he made a big sin in his youth, though I am sure he did. And it's not because he is not good or righteous enough, because he is. Maybe, just maybe, God needs Hubs to do his work among his other Deaf children.

And if there comes a time, when God decides he needs Hubs to hear, then it will happen. And the glory will be to God because of his works...not Hubs'.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Flooring

"You know what I think we should do?" he asked.

"Sell our children and buy a small island?" What? Don't tell me you haven't ever considered..... nevermind. "What should we do?" I ask.

"We should take out all the carpet in our house and put down hardwood."

"Are you kidding me?? You couldn't pay me to put hard floors in my house!"  Mmmmm...okay. On second thought, maybe you could pay me, but only then.

Don't get me wrong. Having wood floors would look really classy. And it seems it would be easier to clean. Stain resistant. Pet smell resistant. There are many many pluses.

"Why not?" he asked.

"Because we have five children." He sometimes forgets. "And those five children are not quiet. They play... loudly. They play with each other... loudly.  They play with friends...loudly. They play the piano,.the trumpet, the violin, the recorder, everything...loudly. Sometimes they are quiet...when they are sleeping. That's about it."

He just looked at me, smiled and said, "And the problem is...."

Sigh.....

So I Married a Deaf Man: Of course he does

Of course he wants hardwood/laminate floors.

Why wouldn't he? I mean they look nice. They clean easily. They keep the place cool. Who wouldn't want floors like that?
Ummm, me!

I'm all for aesthetics. I am. But I haven't forgotten that I have 5 active and actively loud children.

Wooden floors would be great when you didn't have to hear the piano that for some reason only plays fortissimo (ff). No problem.

They would be nice if you didn't have a son that decides to take up the trumpet and the bugle. No biggie.

Nice if you didn't have CODA kids (child of deaf adult) who's volume level only comes in loud and louder. Do-able.

Perfect if you didn't have 5 children and two dogs. Can you imagine that?.

But that's not us. We have all those things.

We have kids who like to play. Kids who more often than I would like bounce their balls in the house. Kids who argue in loud voices from time to time. Kids who love music.

We have kids. Lots of them. Plain and simple. Enough said.

And though he doesn't have to deal with the volume of the sound that comes from having the wonderful children that we have, but I do.

Someday we can have those nice floors. You know, when all our kids are grown and gone. When the only thing I will hear is.....who am I kidding. I am hoping to have a house filled with little grandies running all over my house, playing the piano, bouncing balls, and doing what kids do best....making me love them.

So the fancy floors will have to wait....

...until my mansion in Heaven.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Super cool specs

I love going to the movies. Especially the 3D ones.

Okay, that's a lie.

I don't love 3D movies. I'm not impressed with them at all. If I am going to pay and arm and a leg to watch a 3D movie, I want to feel the wind in my face, the water in my hair, the sand in my toes, a breath on my cheek. I want to weave and bob in the action scenes. I want to flinch at the explosions. I want to actually feel like I am there.

In my opinion, 3D movies are overrated and overpriced. But then again I am a tightwad and a cheapskate. Anyone with me on this one?

That being said, you do get to sit in a movie theatre full of people wearing interesting glasses. That's the only plus side for me.

Except, I get that no matter what movie I go to. At least I do if Hubs comes with me. You see, they now have some pretty amazing glasses for Deaf people who go to the movies.

They look like this:



What happens is the words are shown across the glasses. So instead of having to look down at the captioning device that hooks into the drink holder, he can look directly at the screen and watch the movie while reading the captioning.

Convenient, right? Plus he gets to look hot in these super cool, ever-coveted, slightly larger than life glasses. Bet you wish you had a pair of these.

Ummm....ahem....yeah...me too.

But at least I'm not interpreting movies anymore.



So I Married a Deaf Man: Because I can hear...

As you know, I married a Deaf man. I love telling you about our life. Letting you get a glimpse into the uniqueness of my husband. The querkiness of our relationship. And the insanity we call family life.

But from the very first episode (is that what these are?)  in this series I have been avoiding writing this post. Why? Because these feelings are hard to put into words. Hard to define. Impossible to accurately convey. Feelings that close to the heart are kinda that way. And yet, I am going to try.

What is the hardest part being married to a deaf man? It's not the noises that he makes. Nope. The fact that I can't yell at him and feel heard? Some, but no. Perhaps because he sleeps like a rock and nothing moves him? Sadly, it gets harder. So what is it?

The hardest thing about being married to a deaf man is that I can hear.

Crazy, right? You see, life isn't fair for anyone. But it's even less fair for someone who can't hear. And as a wife of that deaf person, you see it all. You are right there with them, fighting that fight. But no matter what I do, it can't always be fair.

I try.

I fight with him...for his equality.
I interpret for him...for his access.
I help educate others...for their ignorance.
I encourage him... for his confidence.
I let him struggle...for his independence.
I love him...for his goodness...and his body...but mostly his goodness.

And still, life isn't fair.

It isn't fair he can't hear his children laugh, cry, coo, sing, fight, and play.
It isn't fair that others are intimidated by him and so instead of trying, avoid him.
It isn't fair that most people see him as disabled, impaired, less than whole.
It isn't fair that our children naturally go to English, leaving him out in his own home.
It isn't fair that in most situations he is alone. Completely and utterly alone.

So much of life isn't fair. So much in life that can't be made right. So much that I wish I could change. And yet....I can't. No matter how hard I try to even the playing field...it will always be just that. Unfair.

He can't hear.

And even though I know and he knows there is nothing I can do about these things, I feel guilt. Not because he says anything. He doesn't complain...ever. He is used to it. Heck, he's been deaf almost his whole life.

But still I feel it. The guilt. Why?

Because I can hear.

So I Married a Deaf Man: He got a box

For all his life, Hubs has spoken the "Other" language.

You know, the language that isn't cool enough to be mentioned on job applications.  The language not popular enough to be listed on school forms. That language not used enough to be on medical history forms.

Until now.

Today, Hubs had to go to the doctor. He has been complaining of heart pains. Which is totally crazy because he is totally healthy. He exercises 6 days a week. He doesn't smoke, drink or do drugs. Rarely drinks soda. He takes vitamins. See what I mean, healthy.

He must just love me so much that it hurts.

I do that to people.

Anywhoo...

While he was filling out the forms, it asked his primary language. And there is was. For the first time in our history.

How totally cool is that?  Have you ever seen that before?

Now he doesn't have speak the "Other" language. Now he can simply check the "Sign" box and move on with life...

...and loving me too much.

Finally!!

So I Married a Deaf Man: The LAW

This year, he laid down the law.

Growing up, my parents let us open our presents early Christmas morning. No, like really early. As in 3 or 4am. Crazy, right? Except I loved it. It somehow made Christmas that much more magical.

Hubs' family, on the other hand, did not. I don't think they opened presents until Dec 26th. Okay, so that is a slight exageration. They slept in like normal. Like that's fun. Weee.....snoring.  

So for the last 11 years, we have let our kids wake early. Yay for us! Until this year...

"We will not be waking up or opening presents until 6am," he declared. THE LAW.

There was much weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth...some from me, I admit. But that was it. The LAW had been spoken.

That was it until... 2am when Kobe woke up and woke everyone else up. Which was fine....because they all headed down to the livingroom, looked what Santa had brought them, counted and sorted the presents, then put them back under the tree. No biggie. I was fast asleep so all was well.

Then Brody crawled into bed with me.

"Mom. Why can't we open the presents right now? I can't wait," he begged.
"Honey, everyone else is asleep," I mumbled.
"No they aren't. Everyone else is awake."
"Well, you remember what Daddy said. Not until 6am," I reminded him.
"Why? Why can't we just open them? Please, Mom. Please," he pleaded.
I looked over, and there slept the LAW, oblivious to the begging.
"Nope. But you can sleep right here by me." I rolled over and tried to ignore the begging, which progressively got louder and longer each hour.

Finally, 6am arrived and presents were opened and all was well.

"See, waking up at 6am was so nice. Everyone got enough sleep. We should do it every year," Brian proclaimed.

Maybe he didn't notice the bags under my eyes. All I can say is next year I am sending them to his side of the bed.

Law indeed.

So I Married a Deaf Man: I'm not a dog!

So it was a rare occasion last week when Hubs and I went out to eat together. Just the two of us. No kids. It was nice.

We sit down, place our order, get our food at start to eat.

Of course, we were talking/signing the whole time....because that's what husband and wives do when they have been deprived of each others company for whatever reason....I have five of those "whatever reasons."

Well, we were chatting and our waiter, I kid you not, stood right at our table and stared at us. We are talking full on staring...not staring and then looking away for a few seconds and then look back. He was full on staring at us...and he was standing right at our table.

It was a little awkward and really annoying.

After about 15 minutes of him leaving to take care of his other tables and then returning to enjoy the view of our table, he finally approached and asked, "So, are you considered his interpreter?"

Huh? Bwahahaha. Wait. He was serious. Perhaps his reasoning went something like this, "Well, blind people have seeing-eye dogs that see for them...."

Not wanting to be compared to a dog, I responded, "No. I'm considered his wife."

Poor guy. In his defense, I was interpreting for Hubs. Secondly, we weren't making-out in the booth either, which would have made it obvious we were married...that or a really unethical interpreter.

And he did redeem himself. At least in my eyes.

"Wow. Well, you have a really good wife." Good boy.

But I am not a dog.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Put 'em up!

"You are married to a deaf man?" they ask.

"Why yes. Yes I am," I kindly respond.

"Wow!".......long, thoughtful pause.... "That's gotta be nice. I bet you guys never fight, right?" they ask.

"Ummmmm....uhhhhhhhh....ehhhhhhh....hmmmmmm....Right. About that..."

Sometimes I believe people think that it takes an extremely charitable person to marry someone who is deaf. And that this same person is so kind that surely they would never disagree with, argue with, or blow-up with said spouse.

I am here to tell you, I am not that person. I married Hubs because he is amazing. I didn't feel sorry for him. I knew that things would be different than most marriages. But I didn't marry him out of the goodness of my heart. I married him because I loved him with all of it.

Secondly, I have zero problem disagreeing, arguing, or blowing-up from time to time. I'm not necessarily proud of it, and try to avoid it when it is healthy to do so, but it happens.

I believe any time you have two people who can communicate with each other living under one roof for an extended period of time, there are going to be some disagreements. It's just the nature of things.

Then add in two people coming from two different cultures, and that just increases the chances of said conflicts. Nature of the beast, I guess. Not me, the relationship.

You would think that our arguments were quiet and calm, seeing that sign language doesn't require voices. But this is not always the case. You see, we can look away and the conversation is over. But if the other one doesn't want it to be over, we have to get creative.

Like pounding on things to make vibrations: table, wall, floor. Or Throwing things....not at each other, but passed their line of sight. Flashing lights...rapidly.

And I bet you didn't know you can yell in sign language. Yup. The signs are big, they are fast, and depending on what you are signing, you can hurt yourself. Trust me, I know this.

So, do we fight? Yes...yes we do.

I'm a good person. Just not that good.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Deaf-speak

Pain.

It can go anywhere on your body.

I'm actually talking about the sign for the word pain. It is a locational sign. Yeah, I totally made the phrase "locational sign" up. But I'm allowed because: 1) It's my blog, 2) I'm married to a Deaf ASL Linguist, and 3) It's my blog.

A locational sign is a sign that can be put in a different location to add meaning to the word. Take pain, for instance. There is a sign for pain. If you sign pain near your forehead it means headache. If you sign it near your tooth it means toothache. If you sign it near your stomach it means bellyache. If you sign it near your neck it means husband...no...wait.

See, locational signs. (Hubs will tell me it is locative signs, but, again, my blog.)

In our house, Hubs and my oldest are constantly having headaches. Not quite sure why...we've checked out all possible causes, but they still remain...the headaches, not the men. Well, the men still remain...but  so do the headaches. My point, the sign "headache" is used often in our house.

So the other day, Brig and I were going somewhere and I handed him an apple and a juice. As we start driving he says, "Mommy, I want a strawberry, not an apple."

"Well, we can't have strawberries in the car. But, there are strawberries in your juice," I tell him.

Exasperated, he replies, "Mo-om! Remember? That juice gives my stomach a headache!"

Pain indeed.

So I Married a Deaf Man....Bring out your dead

I didn't marry a dead man.

He is deaF! Not dead.

Why would a rational person think that a sane person, like me, would marry someone without a pulse. I mean, can you imagine if I had...you know...actually married someone who had passed...onto the other side? 

The conversations would be so one-sided. And he would never laugh at my jokes. He would never help me fold laundry or do the dishes. Plus, who would take me out on dates and tell me I was pretty?

In short marrying a dead guy would cramp my style. No fun at all. Morbid.

Lucky for me, I didn't do that. I married a living, breathing, rather handsome man. So for the life of me, I can't figure out why people keep asking me, "So, your husband is Death?" What would make them think that?

Maybe they know something I don't know. Maybe he has some secret plan to take me out while I am sleeping and they are trying to warn me. "So, you are married to Death?...(wink wink)" Good thing I don't sleep much.

Maybe Hubs gives off some sort of dark vibe. You know, underneath that ever-present smile of his...and if you know him, you know that it really is always there...lies something sinister. I'm just not seeing it. Maybe love really is blind.

But my guess would be that they don't realize that Deaf and Death do not mean the same thing. Death means no life. Deaf means no hearing. Yes, I know they sound a lot alike, but if people would actually take a minute to think about what they were saying, I am sure they would get it right.

Nope, he never went to a school for the dead. He doesn't hang out with other death people. And I wouldn't know what it is like to be married to a death man.

He's Deaf, not dead.

So I Married a Deaf Man: World's Best?

Bwahahahaha!!! Hold on...let me...breath.... I found this to be hilarious rather interesting.

"Concentrate on watching the road." (Giggling) "...they see everything when they're at the wheel." (Chuckling) "...and can tell immediately if they should pull to the side of the road." (ROFL!)

Okay, sorry. But this has not been my experience. As in Not. At. All.

Sure, Hubs has gotten far less tickets that I have. But that's because cops don't give Hubs tickets. (You can read about the only ticket Hubs has received here.) Never mind that I have totaled two cars in our married life. This is not about me! No-one ever said I was the world's best driver!

Hubs is a good driver. But the "World's Best Driver"?? .....????...........???????

We had to borrow my parents' truck to use on our honeymoon. This was because the man who guaranteed he knew how to change our transmission and promised he could get it done before we got married...yeah, well...not so much. We gave him two weeks....he took four.

So we borrowed my parents' truck and off we went.

One day, we hopped into the truck and headed out. I had the map and was trying to navigate. Apparently I was not doing a sufficient job because Hubs started to navigate the map...while navigating the road. 

One thing you should know about Hubs is that he doesn't multi-task well. He is great about starting something and finishing it...most the time. But if I say something like, "Hey, while...(he hates that word)... you are upstairs replacing the toilet paper...(because that happens)...could you grab my book and bring down the laundry basket?", he starts to feel stress.

But on this day, the multi-tasking bug had got to him and multi-task he did. Mapping and driving. At the same time.

I was in love and believed he could do anything...and when I say anything I mean driving without his eyes on the road. Yes, not only had love made me blind, but it had taken all common sense from me. And him for that matter.

He was doing a pretty good job until this mile-marker appeared out of no-where. Okay, so it was on the side of the road like all mile markers, only we weren't on the road like we normally are. Lucky for us, Hubs look up in time and swerved. Unlucky for the the truck, it lost a side mirror that day.   

I wish I could say that was the last time something like that happened. But that would be lying. And I don't lie. Not about that, anyway.

So, is Hubs "The World's Best Driver"? Ummm..not so much. Maybe the "World's Best Multi-tasker"? That would be no.

"World's Best Hubs"?

Without a doubt!!

So I Married a Deaf Man: Why is that funny?

This weekend my children watched Napoleon Dynamite.  They loved it.

I hate it.

I watched it when it first came out on video in 2000...something. I was really excited because everyone was talking about how hilarious it was. And how the best part was at the end of the movie so I had to make sure I watched it to the end.

That should have been a red flag. If it is a good movie, is there ever any doubt that you are going to watch it all the way to the end? I mean, really?

So we turned it on...and I kid you not, within the first 6 minutes, Hubs was asleep. So I had to endure it...all alone. To the awesome end...that wasn't awesome.

Now understand, I get why people think that show is hilarious. It's because of the way Napoleon says things. His voice. Inflection. Mannerisms. Then you take Napoleon-isms and you repeat them with your husband or your friends or your whoever, who has also seen the movie. That's fun.

Okay, so now imagine you are married to someone who only reads the words. There is zero affect. There is no inflection. There is just words. And the words, without sounds, really aren't that funny.

Really.

"Gosh!"

*Side note. I will admit that since watching the movie with my kids, I have found it quite a bit funnier than the first time. Mostly because I hear them quoting the movie back and forth. And it is funny.

So I Married a Deaf Man: What does that even mean?

In our house, we have plblms and hegaches.

Do you have those?

What about 'buckle me off's'?

And finish haves?

What are those things?

Well, those are all things that come when you have a Deaf daddy. Okay, well, I don't have a Deaf daddy, but my kids do so that means I have them in my house.

I have mentioned before how Hubs rarely will use his voice if he doesn't know you very well. But he knows our kids...duh...so he talks. And they learn to talk some of their words the same way Daddy does.

So when they say "I have a plblm," they mean, "I have a problem."

When they say "I have a hegache," they mean, "I have a headache."

In addition, I often hear them speaking ASL grammar. In fact I often get humg up on that too. Is it 'more fun' or 'funner'? Is it 'best' or 'worse better'? It sometimes makes my head want to explode. Lucky for me I can usually convince the head that exploding isn't a good option. So far.

So when at my house and you hear, "Daddy buckle me off" that means "Daddy unbuckled me."

And when you hear, "I finish have dinner" that means, "I already ate dinner."

Just some of the quirkiness that happens in our house. We aren't talking jibberish. It really means something. At least to us.

Now, when you come over and hear, "I finish have hegache. I buckle me off can't. That's a plblm," you will know exactly what we are saying....

....more better.

So I Married A Deaf Man: King Lotharon

You know King Lotharon, right?

From Princess Bride? Prince Humperdink's healthstricken father who only mumbles? That's the one. This really is one of the funny parts of the book. What? You haven't read the book? Oh, my. You are really missing out...because not only is it funnier than the movie, you get to hear what the characters are thinking.

Genius!

Anywhoo. The relationship between King Lotharon and his Queen Bella is great. It reminds me of Hubs' and my relationship at times.

From the book

Prince Humperdinck: "Who do I marry? Let's pick a bride and get it done."

King Lotharon: "I've been thinking it's really getting to be about time for Humperdinck to pick a bride." But  what everyone heard was "I've beee mimbbble mumbble Humpmummmble engamumble."

Queen Bella: "You couldn't be righter, dear."

P.H: "What did he say?"

QB: "He said whoever we decided on would be getting a thunderously handsome prince for a lifetime companion."

Wow! Not even close.

See. It would totally stink to have to depend on someone to talk for you...all the time. Hubs totally gets that. Whether he is calling someone on the phone, giving a presentation in class or hanging out with friends. Unless the people are deaf, Hubs has someone there...saying what he is saying...signing.  

Most times that is me.

The flip side of that is that sometimes it stinks always being the person who says what he is saying. Whether you want to or not. (Although I have already admitted to you all here that I don't always do that.) But sometimes it is fun.

Hubs teaches the adult Sunday School at church. And though we have interpreters for the other classes, I usually am the one interpreting for his lesson. Unlike Queen Bella, I do interpret what Hubs says. Always.

But I may add a little "Stef Spice." A word or two...just to make things interesting. Then Hubs looks out to the crowd and they are laughing. He knows he didn't say something funny. Then he looks to me and shakes his head.

I know I shouldn't. And when I am working, really working...you know...for money....I never add Stef Spice. Ever. But when it's Hubs...

...I simply can't resist.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Who's that?

...so I was telling you about our phone issues, right.

If you call me, on the phone...you know...the talking phone, I will talk to you. And it will be fun. And we will have a good time.

If you call me on the phone, the talking phone, and I am talking to you and Hubs comes in, he will ask "Who are you talking to?" To which I will sign your name.

If you call me on the phone, the talking phone, and I am talking to you and Hubs comes in and asks who I am talking to and I tell him it's you,  he will ask, "What are you talking about?"

This is slightly annoying, but I will, in a word or two, tell him.

If you call me on the phone, the talking phone, and I am talking to you and Hubs comes in and asks who I am talking to and he knows it's you and he learns what we are talking about and he is interested, he will ask me to interpret our call for him.

Rude right? 

This is where I draw the line.

Understand this rarely happens...but it does happen.

But....if you call Hubs on the phone...the signing phone (video phone), he will talk to you, and it will be fun.

If you call Hubs on the phone...the signing phone and he is talking to you, I will not ask him who he is talking to. I will look at the TV. And there you will be.

No need to ask what He is talking about. I can see it. No need to ask if he will interpret for me, I can see. 

But I don't...because that would be rude, right?

So now, when you call me on the phone, the talking phone, and I am talking to you and Hubs comes in and asks who I am talking to and I tell him it's you, he will ask, "What are you talking about?"

 And I will answer, "Tampons."

Problem solved.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Can you hear the ringing?

Hubs and I have issues.

Who doesn't, right? However, our issues are of the phone kind.

Yes. We have phone issues.

First off, the ringing. When a phone rings, you answer it, right? I mean unless you are praying, or you are screening, or when you are...well...you know. So not answering. But most of us will answer it when it rings.

Hubs doesn't feel that urge. Yes, it is because he can't hear it. But still....

We will be chatting and the phone will ring. (Chatting. Not deep in conversation. Just chatting.)
"Hold on a sec. The phone is ringing, " I will inform him.
"So. Just ignore it," he will say.
"I can't ignore it. If I do that it will just keep on ringing," I say.
"Yeah. And...."
"And it could be the school informing us that our child has just vomited all over his classmate. Who wouldn't want take that call?"

I do have a solution to this issue, because I am a thinker. Yup. You see, for Hubs' phone, there should be a light....a strobbing light...hooked up to it so that when it rings, the flashing begins. Light flashing...not people flashing. Just to clarify. I say should because at the moment it is not hooked up.

Don't look at me. I have left all the accessibility gadgets to him...I don't do 'fix it up,' 'hook it up,' or 'make it work.' I just make babies. That's it. I push, they come. End of story. Okay, so it's actually the beginning of a really long novel, but whatever. I am good at that.

Hooking up flashing lights, not so much. It's all him. He, too, is a little less of a handyman and apparently doesn't feel the need to 'see' the ringing and so there is no light...or ringing for that matter.

But what if...for one moment in time...I hooked it up. And then called his phone....and let it ring. Okay...wait..this one is even better. What if I hooked it up, put his number on speed dial, then started up a conversation with him and then secretly called him. Over and over and over again.

"So, did what do you want for dinner?" I ask.
"I don't know...maybe pasta..." he will consider.
Flash! Flash! Flash! (That's what a flashing light sounds like, in case you didn't know.)
"What the...that light. Is flashing? Do you see it?" he will ask..
"Why yes. Yes it is. Just ignore it though. So, dinner..."
Flash!! Flash!! Flash!!
"There it is again," he will say. "Who is calling me?"
"Eh, not important. Pretend you can't see it," I will say.
 Flash!! Flash!! Flash!!
"I think I should see who it is. You know...just in case..." And there you have it. He would give in.

That will solve the ringing issue.

Boy, look at the time. I guess I will have to share with you the other phone issues that Hubs and I have....but for now I must go....

...the phone is ringing.

So I Married a Deaf Man: Like father like son.

We just found out last week that my son is heard of hearing. Yes. I know. How did we not know? I mean...how could WE not know.

You see, I took him into the optometrist to have....what's that you say? "The optometrist? Don't you mean audiologist?"

No. No. It was the optometrist. We had his eyes tested and apparently he really can't see anything. Okay, that is not entirely true. All of us are just cloudy blobs walking around the house. Now imagine what he sees. Cloudy-er blobs. Not good. 

Apparently he is severely far-sighted. I have awful near-sightedness. I am a -3.50 and without my glasses/contacts I can't see much. He is a +7.50 in both eyes! Wow!! Plus a slight astigmatism and a little bit of a lazy/crossing eye.

How did I not know? Talk about feeling like a horrible mother. They asked if I had noticed him running into things. I honestly hadn't. He is pretty small and so I just attributed any of that to his delayed development. But Hubs says he has noticed him bumping into doors and couches, etc. all the time. 

Other than that, how would I know?? I mean, he is only in Kindergarten and so all of them struggle to color in the lines. All of them write sloppy. He isn't reading yet, so that wouldn't be a sign to me. Sigh.

We had to order him some special special glasses so that the lenses won't be so thick. They look like Harry Potter glasses. They will be here in about 2 weeks and he is so excited. If the crossing doesn't improve over the next few months, then he will get to wear a patch. My little pirate.

"How does this make him hard-of-hearing?" you ask.

Well, remember, Hubs talks with his hands. Which means that in order to hear him, you have to be able to see him. And since Camden can't see him...other than a big cloudy hand-moving blob...then he is considered hard of hearing.

That is why he is often asking me how to sign things. He is always asking, "What did Daddy say?" I wonder how much of what Hubs says he really understands. Maybe if Hubs stood across the room and "shouted" by signing really big, maybe then Camers would understand him.

See, hard of hearing.

At least in our world.