Mormon Myth Buster

I am a Mormon. Could you tell? Not that it matters...except that it is pretty much my life. And since this blog is about my life, I thought it would be an important thing to put out there.

Being Mormon, I get some of the most interesting questions. So, let me save you all the trouble. Here are the FAQs and answers.

"Do Mormons have horns."

We do not have horns. Nope. We file those off of our young before we leave the hospital, before the hearing test and after the circumcision. It's just easier that way.  (Actually never got this question, but I read it somewhere and it made me laugh.)

"So, Mormons don't like to talk about their underwear, do they?"

I don't think I know anyone who likes to sit around with a bowl of chips and salsa discussing their drawers. I think it is odd that people want to. Don't you?

"So, in your temples...do you... you know?"

No. No! Eeewe no!! Procreation, consummation, and intimate recreation are not things that take place there. Believe me. I would know.

"Polygamy?"

There are zero sister wives in my house. (Mormons don't do that.) But I might consider it IF she was really really ugly, and couldn't have kids, and loved to fold and put away laundry and mop the floor. Oh, and if she would sit and sing songs with me around the piano and she would blog too and follow me and tell me how funny I am. And she would watch the kids while Hubs and I went on a date. Almost like a live in maid-n-nanny. Is that wrong?

"Are you required to have lots of kid?"

Didn't you know that the more kids you have the better chance you have of making it into heaven? No? If it was that easy, I would be on fertility pills and have kids coming out my eyeballs and the name of my blog would be changed to "Ooops...My Head Just Exploded". (Cue sister wife laughing.)

"You don't drink? Ever?"

Well, we do have to drink water. Everyone does. I live on the wild side, though, and drink Diet Coke now and then...it isn't forbidden by-the-way. (I think I may have just lost a few Mormon followers.) No alcohol, coffee or tea. That's pretty much all that I don't drink. Oh, and Dr Pepper. I don't like the taste.

"Three hour church? Are you serious?"

I say this one to myself everyweek every once in a while, too.  It's tough, trying to teach my kids to be reverent and listen. But there is something to be said about worshiping as a family. For three hours. Not quite sure at this point what is to be said about it, but "good long nap" is what comes to mind.

A few last words:

No, not all Mormons like carrots in their Jell-O.
Yes, I will share my 20 year supply of food with you if there is no food anywhere else.
I will be accepting applications for sister wife after the New Year. Please include a picture.

Any questions?