When I am just not enough....

I have a child. Well, I have 5 children. But I want to speak about one of them.

I love this child so very much. With all my heart. To its very core, I love him.

But for the life of me, I do not think he knows how much I love him. Not to his core. I tell him. I show him. But I still am not sure he feels it.

Many time I don't feel like I am reaching him. Almost like we don't speak the same language.

Yes, I have read that book... the "Love Language" book. Both of them. I have tried to make sure that I am showing him, and all my children, love in a way that they can feel it. I'm not an expert by any means. But I try.  Still.....

It's at these times when I recognize that I am not enough.

My knowledge is not enough.
My skills are not enough.
My words...not enough.
Even my love for him is not enough.

I, on my own, can never be enough.

It is in moments like these when I am driven to my knees.
When my pleadings fly heavenward.
Where knowledge exceeds all.
Where there is One who loves my boy even more than I do.
Who knows him like I never can.

He knows. He understands. He knows us. He is enough.
With his help, I know that I can be enough.

But saying that and feeling that are sometimes not the same thing. I know He can help me, but there are times when it doesn't feel like He is.
Helping me

There are times when I'm left asking...."Where are you??" "Why aren't you helping me?" "Why aren't you making me more?
Making me enough?"

Then I'm left to question.

Not my faith.

I know I am a child of God. I know He loves his children. And because I am one of those children, I know he does love me. 

But in moments like these I am lead to look inside myself.
Have I stepped away? From His light?
Am I not listening intently?
Is there something that I need to learn?
Is there something that he (my son) needs to learn?
Am I not doing ENOUGH??

I wish I had the answer to my own questions. I know they will come. Things will work out. They always do.

But being in the thick of it,
overwhelmed by my child's needs,
by my needs,
and not having the answers
really stinks.