Life....grrrrrr

We interrupt our regular programing for a little thing we call Life.

Why is it that we, as mothers, blame ourselves for everything? Don't we already get blamed for enough?

My 4th child, Camden, has always been small. When I was pregnant with him, my doctor was constantly keeping an eye on him. I had to get stress tests twice a week for the last 3 months of my pregnancy with him. It was glorious. When he was born, at full term, he only weighed 5lbs and some ounces. (Don't judge.) He was healthy.

Since then, his growth has be slow at best, non-existant at times. Last year he went almost 9 months without growing. At. All.

For about 2 years now, we have been testing, watching him closely. He has delayed bone age, meaning at four years old, his bones in his hands were the size of a two year old's. He is very small. When people see him, they think he is 2 years old and say, "Wow! He talks great!" Ummm, yes he does. That's because he is five years old.

He has been tested for siliac, thyroid issues, growth hormone deficiency, heart murmurs. He has seen a pediatrician, endocronologist, cardiologist, nurtritionist, radiologist, and a guy with a really fun monkey outfit. He has been poked, proded, stuck to, drugged, and has a whole butt  load of junk toys to prove it.

We found out that he has a growth factor deficiency. Meaning, according to Stef's interpretation, his body makes growth hormone, but is unable to absorb it. If he continues to grow at the rate he is growing, he will only be 5'2". Not that there is anything wrong with it, but as a boy, that would be hard.

We have been diligently boosting my his calories. Heck, I have zero problem gaining weight. You would think that if he eats what I eat, he would be packing on the pounds in no time.

In his January appointment, he had gained two pounds and grown one whole inch. This was good news, seeing that he hadn't gained any weight or grown any significant amount in 9 months. We were so excited because we were at the point of doing some re-testing and supplimenting. The doctor decided to wait.

Then yesterday at his appointment we found that he has lost weight and has only grown less than 1/4 inch. In three months. Big sigh.........

I can't help asking, "Am I not feeding this boy enough? Should I be giving him something that I am not? What am I doing wrong? I'm his mother. And a mom is supposed to make things all better. Why can't I?" Logically, I know that I can't force his little body to absorb a single calorie. I can't wish five pound and two inches onto his tiny frame. And I feed him right along side my other children and they aren't having the same issue. And yet I frett, and blame, and mull and feel guilty.

Eventually we will figure it out. Eventually. But if we wait too long we will ruin the rest of his life. He will be in a carseat until he is 11. No girl will want to go out with him because despite his rugged good looks, he only comes up to their shoulders. You see the problem?

Mommy guilt. Leave me alone, already!!!